P1R4735 0F 73H C4RR1B34N: the Spoof of Four Souls
by hyperionwitch
Summary: --DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ POTC; THE PAST OF FOUR SOULS YET! DON'T!-- Well...it's a funny-stupid version of PotC; the Past of Four Souls. Lots of randomness. Lots of fun.
1. Budget Cuts and Bad Sets

Author's Note: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't read this if you haven't read my other story, Pirates of the Caribbean; the Past of Four Souls yet--this will MOST ASSUREDLY give away just about every story angle. If you knew those things, it would make the more serious, previously mentioned story a lot less…well, good. And also…I'd like to mention that this is chock full of inside jokes, randomness, stupid jokes, and stuff that you may not understand--references to Moulin Rouge, Matrix (1-3), the Scarlet Pimpernel, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, as well as lines taken almost directly from PotC; the Curse of the Black Pearl. So if any of those things turn you off, then stop reading. Now. I'm serious. Stop. 

Oh! Another thing. This is supposed to be dumb. Please don't review this and say things like, 'this is stupid, why would anyone read this, it's dumb!!' or 'why don't you take this off the site, it's wasting people's time' because…and I don't mean to be rude, but…I DON'T CARE. I'm putting it up because *I* thought it was good and perhaps someone else will, too. I hope y'all Past of Four Souls fans like it.

Oh yeah. One more thing. I WILL have better stuff up. Honestly. I'm doing alternate endings and stuff like that, so…well…keep an eye out for those. I assure you, they will not only be written at the same quality as the original story, PoFS, but they will NOT BE STUPID. Like this. But this is funny-stupid.

Okay…now that I've warned you…on with the show!! X3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Characters

Captain Jack Sparrow (Jack)

Sarah "Pandora" Warren (Sarah)

Captain Talia Frost (Talia)

Drew (Drew)

Adrian Frost (Adrian)

Asher Kaiden (Asher)

Ryan Neumeyer (Ryan)

Farleigh/Barbie Chess (Chess)

Will Turner (Will)

Elizabeth Swann/Turner (Elizabeth)

Commodore Norrington (Norrington)

Captain Hector Barbossa (Barbossa)

Justin (Justin)

Claire Daniel (Claire D.)

Sara Brimeyer (Sara B.)

Alley (Alley)

Invisible 1 (I1)

Invisible 2 (I2)

Invisible 3 (I3)

Guard 1 (G1)

Guard 2 (G2)

Guard 3 (G3)

Guard 4 (G4)

Guard 5 (G5)

Lieutenant Gillette (Gillette)

Bootstrap Bill (Bootstrap)

Pintel (Pintel)

Ragetti (Ragetti)

Murtogg (Murtogg)

Mullroy (Mullroy)

Annamaria (Annamaria)

Joshamee Gibbs (Gibbs)

Mr. Cotton (Cotton)  
Mr. Cotton's Parrot (Parrot)

Jack the Monkey (J-Monk)

Author - Gillian Renk (Gilly)

Author - Grace Allison (Grace)

Random Crew Member 1 (RC1)

Random Crew Member 2 (RC2)

Random Crew Member 3 (RC3)

Narrator

Guest Appearances from; Citizen Chauvelin (Chauvelin), Wally (Wally), The Hessian/The Headless Horseman (Double-H), The Crazy Bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Crazy Bunny), Homestar Runner (Homestar)

- - - - -

Chapter 1 - Budget Cuts and Bad Sets

(A scene of a port town is seen--it looks like a very, very badly painted and rushed-looking set for a school play--and a man with dreadlocks and brown jacket is walking from the ports)

Narrator - Here is the down-low--or the premise, whatever--Jack has been spreading the story of PotC; the Curse of the Black Pearl and PotC; the Past of Four Souls for about six months now, and he is currently in "Tortola"--which is really just a stage set of Tortola set in the middle of a field in Iowa.

Jack - *singing* So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer, so delighting, it will run for fiiiiftyyyy yeeeeeears!!! Spectacular, spectacular, no words in our vernacular can describe this great event--*points at screen/audience* you'll be dumb with wonderment!

(Jack sees Talia, Sarah, Asher, Chess, Ryan, and Adrian--and the invisibles--standing in a group in front of him)

Jack - What??

Talia - Hello Jack. Long time, no see, eh?

Jack - Yeah…hey, aren't you guys dead?? *points to Adrian, Sarah, and Asher*

Sarah - Yup.

Jack - …??

Sarah - See, the authors (Gilly and Grace) wanted to make a spoof--a funny-stupid version--of the Past of Four Souls. As you know, _no one_ can replace us--so, using her ultra-super-author powers, she raised us from the dead. But I guess, technically, we're still dead. *shrugs*

Jack - …Ooookay. Then why are we in Iowa instead of Tortola?? Wouldn't it be more realistic if we were in the actual place instead of just a really badly made set?

Talia - *whispering* The authors made the set. *does the Agent Smith eyebrow thing*

Adrian - …Budget cuts. Not enough money to send us to the Caribbean. *shrugs*

Jack - Oh. Okay. So…what do I do now?

Talia - Go back to the ports and walk up here, singing. Like when ye met Sarah a year ago. In the _actual_ Tortola.

(Jack does so)

Jack - *humming Spectacular, Spectacular* *sees Sarah* Citizen Chauvelin--I mean, Sarah!

(Sarah slaps him)

Sarah - Get my name right, moron!!

Jack - Oww…_Captain_ Moron, actually--wait…nonono, first off, _Jack Sparrow_, and second, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

(Sarah rolls her eyes and slaps him again)

Sarah - You made me forget what the witty thing I was going to say was. For shame! *slaps him again*

Jack - *whiny voice* Stop!! Can't we all just…get along?

(Asher pops in)

Asher - Doubt it.

(Asher pops back out, leaving Sarah and Jack looking confused)

Sarah - …Umm…okay…well…what do you want?

Jack - A pony, a train, a--oh sorry. Will you join my crew?

Sarah - No.

Jack - *turning around* Okay.

(Sarah grabs him by the shirt collar and pulls him back)

Sarah - *whispering* Do you want to displease the authors? *they look up at the sky, which is flashing lightening* Jack--they can make it rain!!

(Jack looks horrified, then he returns to his spot and regains his posture.\)

Jack - Please be on me ship? I'll give you this free stalk of corn--*reaches off set and pulls a stalk of corn into the scene* no? *throw stalk of corn out of the scene* How about this bowling ball--*reaches down and pulls a bowling ball into the scene* no? *throws bowling ball out of scene and you hear someone shout in pain* How about ten dollars?

Sarah - I want fifty.

Jack - Fifteen.

Sarah - Forty.

Jack - *with authority* Twenty five--I'll buy you the hat…a really big one…Commodore.

Sarah - …Commodore?? I'm not a _commodore_!! Who do you think I am, _Barbossa_?? *slaps him again*

Grace - *watching* Oooh. Ouch.

Gilly - *writing and watching* Hee. I know.

Jack - So will you join my crew for twenty five dollars?

Sarah - …Nope.

Jack - How about we talk it over at dinner…at the…uhh…Flintlock Pub?

Sarah - That seedy hole?

(Jack nods)

Sarah - Sure, why not. See you there. *wanders off*

Jack - Awesome. *also wanders off*

(A pub is now seen--there are lots of busty women and drunk men inside--most of the men are crowded around a red-haired woman)

Narrator - Somewhere in "Tortola," in a seedy hole similar to the previously mentioned Flintlock Pub, a woman sits…oblivious to the happenings between Sarah and Jack…

(Talia throws a bottle of rum at the narrator)

Narrator - Ow! What was that for??

Talia - You _imbecile_, I _know_ what's going on outside! I've been in this dem story _before_!!! *slaps her head* *then backhand punches one of the annoying guys surrounding her*

Narrator - *coughs* Well…anyway…so this woman sits…not so oblivious to the happenings between Sarah and Jack, since she has been in this story before…

Talia - Yer a horrible narrator. Why did the authors hire ye?

Narrator - Budget cuts. I was the cheapest they could afford.

Talia - Well…that's stupid. Yer incredibly dimwitted and moronic.

Narrator - Actually, I--

Talia - Shut up. I'm gonna tell this part…mostly because the random guys surrounding me were not on the cast list and therefore cannot talk. Stupid, stupid authors. Okay, so, as the guys surrounding me use bad pickup lines and ask about my job on the Death Lily, I get snippety and tell one of them that I'm the _captain_ of said Death Lily. After that, some superstitious bigot of a man makes a remark about women on ships and bad luck, so I rip out 'is eye.

Narrator - Ouch.

Talia - *throwing a shot glass at him* You've read the dem script you obtuse freak! And if yer trying to add to the drama, it sure isn't working. Anyway, now we'll begin the story again.

(Long pause)

Talia - *whispering* YOU, moron! Get talking!

Narrator - Oh! Right. The woman--

Talia - You idjit, Jack said my name at the beginning of the thing!! Augh!! *looks up* Will you please fire him??

Grace - No can do. We don't have the budget to hire a new narrator. *shrugs* He's a quagmire, isn't he?

Gilly - Zounds, he _is_ quite awful. Our deepest apologies, honestly.

Narrator - I'm in the room, you know.

Gilly - We know.

Grace - We thought you might like to know so that perhaps you might shape up. But we should get on with the story now.

Gilly - Yeah. You're on, Narrator baby!

Narrator - …Alrighty then. Well, Talia…wait, why am I narrating this??

Talia - Good question. *walks out the door--after bumping into Jack, who's on his way in--and looks over* Hello Asher.

Asher - Hey ba--I mean, cap'n.

Talia - *whispering* Not in public…

Asher - *whispering* Sorry…

Talia - *no longer whispering* So. Did ye find anything? Like…about him? *points to Adrian, who is standing about three feet away from them*

Asher - No. Nothing at all. We have no idea where he is.

Talia - *whispering* You know, there really is a flaw in this, when he's standing really, really close by.

Asher - *whispering* Yeah. I know.

Talia - *still whispering* And another thing--how come we don't actually have scripts?

(Sarah pops in)

Sarah - I've been wondering the same thing for quite a while now.

(Sarah pops back out)

Talia - *STILL whispering* We'll contemplate later.

Asher - *still whispering* Good choice.

Talia - *not whispering* So Asher, what have you been up to?

Asher - The usual. Arson, looting, kidnapping. Actually, I haven't done much kidnapping lately. I think the patch is working.

Talia - Good, you're making progress.

Asher - *laughs* Yeah. Um, what about you? Dismembered anyone lately?

Talia - No. I did rip a guy's eye out.

Asher - …

Talia - You already knew that, though, didn't you?

Asher - Yeah I did. It's what you get from being in this story before.

Talia - I wish the authors *cough cough* would be more creative this time around so that we don't expect everything. Since we HAVE been in this before. Our authors *cough cough* clearly are lazy. Such lazy authors. *cough cough*

Grace - Could you make her stop doing that? The coughing is annoying. REALLY annoying.

Gilly - I'm not doing it. I'm serious. And I can't override what the characters do of their own will. Unfortunately.

Grace - Shoot.

(By the way, Gilly is able to loosely write what characters will do next, but mostly cannot control what the characters say. Just thought you might like to know.)

Talia - Ha ha. Stupid authors. *cough cough*

Asher - Seriously, Talia, it _is_ really annoying.

Talia - Okay.

Grace- _There_ we go. Leave it to Asher.

Gilly/Grace - Awwww…

Gilly - So we have _two_ love stories in this spoof! *snicker*

(Talia throws something random at the sky)

Talia - SHUT UP!! This is not a love story! The only dem love story in this confounded fic is JACK AND SARAH (of whom you should support. *hint hint*)!!!

Asher - …*sweat drop* Umm…Talia…we should continue doing the story.

Talia - Alright…blah blah blah, hey! Who is tha' over yonder? *fakey voice and rolls eyes*

Gilly - I don't write like that!! *fume*

Talia - *snicker*

Sarah - It's about time you guys got here.

Talia - Oh. It is you. How splendid…you…witch. *snicker*

Gilly - Stop it!! *slams her fist and there is a huge clap of thunder*

Asher - Talia, knock it off. Pretty soon she'll kill off one of the characters--again.

Talia - Fine, fine. So. You, wench, what d'you think you're doin', loiterin' near me ship??

Sarah - I have a permit. *holds up a permit designating the loitering of one Sarah Warren near one Death Lily*

Talia - …Those exist?

(Sarah nods)

Talia - Dem. I'm going to have to shut down their operation. *pulls on some spiff black sunglasses and some black leather, as well as awesome knee-high boots with lots of zippers and buckles, then she turns to Asher*

Asher - *holding up a spoon that magically bends then goes back to its original state* There is no spoon.

(Talia nods curtly and does the Neo-Matrix-superman thing)

Sarah - *watching in confused silence* Umm…alright.

(A few minutes later, Talia is seen in the town, running on walls and dodging shots from guards. She jumps into the air in front of one of them, the camera spins around her, frozen in air, then she kicks the guard in the face. Asher and Sarah watch in stunned silence. She jumps back and, facing the three remaining guards, holds out one hand and does the 'bring it' Neo/Morpheus thing. As they stand there, watching her go Matrix style, Sarah turns to Asher)

Sarah - What's she doing?

Asher - She took the red pill.

(Sarah looks confused)

(A few minutes after _that_, Talia returns to the group, dusting off her hands and removing her outer layer of black clothing)

Talia - That was interesting. Hey, have either of ye had a dream that ye were so sure was real?

Sarah - I had a dream that there were rabid pigeons once. But I had an itching suspicion that it was just a dream.

(A pigeon swoops down and perches on Asher's head, foaming at the mouth, then it flies off and picks up a person, who is screaming in agony as the bird eats his head)

(Everyone looks really, really confused)

Sarah - Ooooor, I suppose it could have been real.

Asher - Per chance, have you visited the Oracle yet, Talia?

Talia - That old bat? Nah. I've got be'er things to do. Not be'er by much, but be'er, nonetheless. Come on, ye two, I'm gonna take on Sarah in a Soul Calibur match.

Sarah - What did Asher mean by 'she took the red pill?'

Talia - Some black guy with a suit on and a name like…KaZaA…or…Bearshare…some downloading agent…asked me if I'd take th' red pill or th' blue pill. I took th' red one, because…well…if you follow the rabbit hole, yer bound to find the rabbit, eh?

(Sarah stares confusedly at Talia, who is looking expectantly at her)

Sarah - Um. Okay.

Talia - Hurry up, I'm itching to beat ye up with Cervantes.

Narrator - To make a not-very-long story even shorter, Talia cheated in the Soul Calibur match, and Sarah had had her down to a sliver of life, so Talia allowed Sarah to join her ship, which is, by the way, the reason that Sarah was standing by it in the first place.

(Talia throws something at the narrator again)

Talia - Yer quite slow, aren't ye? They already KNOW why Sarah was standing by th' Death Lily, they're only reading' this stupid thing if they've read th' original story! Augh!

Grace - Again, we apologize for the inconvenience, Talia.

Talia - One o' these days, ye two…one o' these days…

Sarah - Y'know, this is the end of the first chapter.

Talia - Well whatddya know. Crazy.


	2. The Reasons for the Anger and Breif Expl...

Chapter 2 - The Reason for the Anger and Brief Explanations, Etc.

Talia - Aye--stupid narrator guy--yer on!! *throws a microphone at the narrator*

Narrator - *rubbing his many bruises from previous abuse by Talia* Okay…well…anyway…Sarah has now joined the Death Lily, however, she forgot one, tiny detail about her plans that night…

(It is night now)

Sarah - Oh yeah. I gotta meet Jack.

Talia - Lovely. Go ahead.

Sarah - You're supposed to come.

Talia - MAKE ME.

Sarah - Okay. Hey Asher!

(Several minutes later…)

Talia - *muttering* Curse me dem affections…

(Sarah pushes Talia through the door and forces her to sit down at a table with Jack)

Jack - 'Ello.

Sarah - Hey. As you are aware, this is Talia. And she will be joining us tonight.

Jack - Aww, does she have to?? I had a candlelight dinner planned for us. *pulls out a candelabra and lights the candles on it*

Sarah - Sorry, love, but it's kinda important to the story. Can you save it for another time?

Jack - …Yeah…I guess…

Sarah - 'Ey, I'm meetin' you here, ain't I?

Jack - True. Alright, so…lets just run over the facts.

Talia - With what, a tractor?

Jack - …I'd like to. Perhaps tha' would have made the whole original story a lot easier--plus it would have made it a lot easier to woo you, Sarah.

Sarah - Ah, but where's the excitement in that?

(Long silence--Jack and Sarah eye each other)

Jack - Well--

(Both women clap their hands over his mouth)

Talia - Per'aps ye shouldn't 'ave worded it tha' way.

Sarah - Yes…perhaps not.

(Both women remove their hands)

Jack - What'd I say?

Sarah - Nothing, and even that was too much.

Talia - So. Facts. Out with 'em.

Jack - Right. Well…I wouldn't le' Sarah join me ship…and she snuck on…then she was discovered…Barbossa convinced me to kick her off by lying to me…now Sarah's really ticked at me.

Sarah - Righ'o.

Talia - That'll work.

Jack - Now I want her on my ship and she's angry at me, so she won't join. However, she 'as joined your ship, so now I would like her back.

Talia - Okay.

Jack - Wait, was that okay to having her back?

Talia - Ye only wish.

Jack - Ohh…well…alright. So…now you're looking for your brother on this ship who's name I know I'll screw up and you'll just--

Sarah/Talia - The Nosferatu.

Jack - --correct me…so…how's about I help you find 'im and I get Sarah.

Talia - Sure.

Sarah - I should get really angry at you and storm out of the room, but I know I'll just end up making out with you, so I'll just sit here and look annoyed.

Jack - Which will probably lead to the same conclusion, but we won't discuss it at the dinner table.

Talia - This is why I have avoided relationships.

Gilly - Oh? And what do you call Asher?

Talia - He--I--shf--I'M GONNA KILL YOU ONE O' THESE DAYS GILLY!!

Gilly - Hah! You can't, I'm the AUTHOR. Without me, _you'll disappear_. Or something like that. *shrugs*

Grace - 'Course there's always me.

Gilly - True. But Talia's probably planning to kill you, too, seeing as you drew that dancing picture of her and Drew.

Grace - Right.

Gilly - So if you kill both of us, it'll signify the end of you guys. Do you really want that burden on your would-be nonexistent shoulders, Miss Frost?

Talia - *grumble grumble* Shut up.

Sarah - We should probably head off to bed, seeing as tomorrow we meet Drew and we'll most assuredly need our rest for that.

Jack - Oi…I'll say. I think he's gotten worse.

Sarah - I wouldn't be surprised. I think his death threw him a bit off balance, if you catch my drift.

Jack - I catch it fine, love.

Talia - …Sarah, I am now assigning you to protecting me from that maniac. He'll drive me off the edge.

Grace - *whispering* As if she isn't there already…

Gilly - *snicker*

Talia - You know, the downside to yer almighty, god-like authorness is that, even when you're whispering, we can hear you.

Grace - Yeah. It is unfortunate.

(Adrian sticks his head in)

Adrian - Guys, it's the end o' the chapter.

Talia - Yeah…h-hey, get out of the scene, Adrian! Yer supposed to be on the Nosferatu!

Adrian - I'm on parole. But seriously, ye need to wrap it up.

Talia - 'Kay. Take care o' yerself, bro.

Adrian - Will do. *salutes Talia and leaves*


End file.
